The End

I’m still in shock that in just a few days, it will be one year since Amy’s passing. I look at myself about a year ago today when we got the news that she was dying versus where I’m at today. Some of you may not even really know the whole story. I can still remember coming to the hospital and being called into one of the private rooms with our family. Her cardiologist had a look of sadness and almost failure in her eyes, I knew that what was coming was not going to be good. The words “She’s dying” are not anything that you ever want to hear about anyone, especially someone whom you started a life with 5 years prior. They gave us a glimpse of hope, but deep down inside it didn’t seem like it was going to work. But if anyone could pull through this, it would have been her. The rest of the day was stressful to say the least. We finally decided to get some rest for the night as there wasn‘t anything more that we could do. I ended up spending the night with my “big sisters, “ Ann and Laura that night. It was filled with laughter, sadness, and lots of pizza and wine. Amy would have approved.

I woke up early the next morning, stopped and grabbed my breakfast sandwich and cold brew, and then headed back up to Amy’s room. As I walked towards her room, the faces of the nurses went from smiles to sorrow. I can only imagine the feeling of seeing a young guy, not much older than them, coming to spend what he didn’t know would be his wife’s last couple hours of life. The prognosis still wasn’t good and it was pretty apparent to me that the end was near. Her body was decimated and you could see the life slowly being sucked from her. Family started coming to the hospital one by one. After a bit we were pulled in again and were told that it could be minutes, hours, days or a week until she passes, but it was inevitable that it was going to happen. I was asked if I wanted to pull her from life support. It was not a decision that I was going to make by myself. Yes, she was my wife, but she was also a daughter and a sister and I wanted to make the decision as a family. After a brief discussion, we decided to pull her from life support. The staff slowly pulled her off of her I.V.s that were basically keeping her alive. She began to look more like a human being rather than some crazy science experiment gone horribly wrong. We all had our chances to say our final goodbyes that morning. There were lots of tears, some laughter, and overall a sense of peace that she wouldn’t be suffering any longer. I stood by her side the entire time, her hand firmly clasped in mine as you all know it usually was most of the time. Her breathing got slower and slower as time went by but there was still some fight left in her. As time went by though, she took her final breath, surrounded by those that she loved so dearly and whom loved her just as much. I was honored to have held her hand until the very end.

The next few days were kind of a blur to me. I know that there was whiskey, beer, and food involved. It was the only thing that could calm my nerves from everything that had happened. The worst though, was coming home to an empty home knowing that she’d never come back here. The house that we bought together that she was so proud of would never be filled with her physical presence again. As time went by, things got better for me. The tears became less and less frequent, however her memory is always there. It’s amazing the little things you notice that immediately make you think about a loved one who has passed. I feel like the “firsts” as I’ll call them, are always the worst. First Thanksgiving, first Christmas, first Easter, or even your first birthday without someone who’s passed are terrible. But there’s nothing that you can do other than to just get through them. I always think about all that she went through. Nothing that I can ever imagine going through could be remotely as tough as what she did.

I have always said that if life was meant to be easy then it wouldn’t be worth living. Some of the things I’ve been through I wouldn’t ever wish on my greatest enemies. I can remember telling Amy that if she was to pass that I would take my own life as I wouldn’t know what to do without her. I’m thankful that I didn’t do that as I know it’s not what she would have wanted, and I also would have missed out on the person who I am today. Not to toot my own horn, but I think I’m a pretty good guy, but I’m a better person because of her and what she taught me about life. The last year of my life has been a learning experience about who I am as a person. It’s helped me grow stronger as a person in many aspects of my life including my career, social life, mental well being and my spiritual beliefs.

So I could never figure out how long I wanted to do this blog. As most of you know, it was originally supposed to be for Amy to journal her story but also to help with stress relief. Little did I know that it would benefit me way more than her. I have made the decision to end this blog after this last post. Amy’s legacy and journey will always be documented here but also in our memories and stories that we have about her. I really have to thank each and every one of you who’ve read all, one or a couple of my blog posts. It’s meant a lot to get notes, calls, and emails about what it means to you. I truly could not have done this without all of you who I’m honored to call my friends and family. I promise that I’m doing well, I’m moving in the right direction, but I will never ever forget Amy. I will never ever forget what you all have done not only for her before I came into the picture, but for what you did when I did come into the picture and also after Amy passed. It’s a great feeling to be loved by so many. I’ll close with one of my all time favorite lyrics, by one of my all time favorite bands, that has always resonated with me. It’s from a Beatles song called “The End.”

“And in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make.”

Love with owl your heart,

Much love,

Ed Becerra